


FAnfuc

by charlotteeee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Dank Memes, M/M, Malec, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Smut, Swearing, Teeth kink, Vampire Simon, bitch mayrse, dentist kink, shadowhunter clary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-08-07 19:52:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7727659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlotteeee/pseuds/charlotteeee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>this is a joke pls</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. MAgnus Bagnus

CHAPTER 1

“Hump me, fuck me, daddy better make me cum”  
*8 hours earlier*  
I wake up to the sound of banging. It is noisy. I go out of my room and see whats banging. Surprise its my fav spider cooking waffles. I say hello and then go outside. I walk down the street and bash into someone. I see their face and realise its my dad. Not my real dad but my dad.  
“Hi magnus bagnus and the school for young boys”  
“ALEXANDER”  
Magnus bagnus and the school for young boys (MBSYB) scares me sometimes. Hes very loud but hes very gliterry. I sometimes wonder if he has a sparkly dick. He holds out his hand and asks  
“Wanna get a drink sometime”  
Since im over 18, I say yes.  
He creates a portal and pushes me in. It takes me to a strip club and I say no thank you. MBSYB portals me back to where i want to be, in his apartment. When i see where i am i smile for the first time in my life. I never smile bc my mother is a bitch so i hate my life. Magnuys bangnus is like “WOWOWOOWOWOOWOWOWOOWOW THATS A MEME” bc hes never seen my teeth before. When i stop smiling he go to his bar and makes a drink. He gets a goon bag and passes it to me. I say “No THANKS” and the warlock gets rid of it. He poors wine for himself and drinks it in 2 seconds. MAGIC.  
“Warlock uou are magical”  
“Tru”  
He decides to turn on some music. First, pussy pussy marijuana comes on and he screams. Thats his private time music. He changes the playlist to emo. Screamo blares and liek 10 demons summon. I start screaming when the demon takes my brain away but they put it back before i die. Magnus turns off the msuci really fast so i dont die and runs to my side.  
“Alexander im soz”  
“Its ok magnus bagnus, i didn’t die, i love demons anyway”  
I said that because i know warlocks are half demon and i love MBSYB. He doesn;t know that though bc im still in the closest. Its quite surprising tho bc the only clothes i wear are black even tho ive spent my whole life in the closet.  
“I know you feel what i feel”  
“Wdym”  
“Theres nothing to be ashamed of. Your heart speeds up when they breate on your neck. Your breath stops when they walk in a room”  
“I have to alert the clave”  
I run out of the apartment and run into simon. Idk who i hate more; simon or clary. They are both fucking dumb ass mundanes. Not really tho bc clary is a shadowhunter and simon is a vampire. My point is that they used to be mundanez.  
“Oi alec watch where you going mate im hungry for a snack”  
“Simon the sun is out u gonna die”  
“Oh yeah right, why do yout hhink i have this umbrella.”  
I look at his umbrella. It has water on it. The sun is not out. Its night time and its raining. RIP sun. I push him over bc he sucks and keep runing. I dont want magnus to scare me., My brain hurts from thinking about magnus. He gave me a brain boner. When i get to the insitute izzy is there making some food.  
“Izzy wtf you cant cook”  
“Alec y u all wet??? Were you hanging out with the warlock again”  
Izzy knows a lot about my life, even tho shes my sister. Its weird. Idk if i love her anymore.  
“Magnus tried to kiss me but i said no.”  
“Alec ur gay”  
“Im not out of the clost yet sh”  
No one else was in the insitute but some people have really good ears. Better to be safe than sorry.  
Izzy pushes me on the ground and i punch her. I know how to fight.  
I go fid lydia. Shes some random who showed up one day which is cool. I think i aspire to be her.  
“LYDIA the clave is being robbed”  
“What?”  
“JK HAHABHABH i need to alert the clave. MBSYB has been using magic again”  
“Um yeah no shit hes a warlock”  
I shake my head and frown. No one undersatnds. Magic is powerful. This warlock is tricking me into loving him. Very scary stuff right here.  
I ignore lydia bc she doesnt knwo shit. Shes going on my list of people who are anoyinng.  
LISt:  
Clarry (man)  
Sumun  
lidea  
I shove my list in my pocket and go find jace. Hes my parabatai so he might get it. I knock on the door and walk in. Clary is there stripping and jace is nodding his head. I start singing wake me up inside so they both get turned off. Its gross when they do shit liek that bc its incest #festy. I only tolerate it bc jace is my parabatai.  
“Claru youre gonna have to leave its parabatai time”  
CLary gets up and leaves with no complaints. JAce gives me a kiss. I dont think thats how a parabatai works but oh well hes a dude and i aint straight. Hes no magnuds tho. I miss the glitter.  
Suddenly magnus appears in the room. I scream so loud but the warlock does not care.  
“Ill leave if you ask me too”  
“Why the fuck would i do that cunt????”  
MBSYB shrugs but walks over to me and whispers. I say bye to jace and drag magnus to the hallway. He kisses me and i cry bc glitter gets in my eyes. It hurts. I keep kissing him tho bc hes really cool. Then i take him to my room. His magic powers lock the door and remove my clotes. I wish i could remove his like that but instead i use my teeth. I think magnus has a teeth kink bc the first time he saw my chompers he flipped.  
We are both naked but ive never taken my clothes off so im scared. Magnus kisses me and goes “Hump me, fuck me, daddy better make me cum”  
I shake my head “Dont you wanna do a dentist roleplay?”  
MAgnus nods his head egalry and smiles iwde.  
“Patient today im looking at your teeth, let me just get prepared. Now im gonna stick this in your hole. Ill be gentle.”  
I hate the dentist but its k bc we arent at the dentist really. No offence but i dont think magnus got a 97 atar.  
“Now its time for the deep clean.”  
Im quiet bc if izzy hears i might die bc shes too smart. We finish off and magnus lies next to me. Ive never seen someone so good in my life.  
ALl of a sudden the doors gets knocked down. Its the clave with my mother in the front. Magnus screams and so do i. We are fucked for life.  
I pretend to die and magnus does the same. My mother doesnt fall for it and just slaps me bc im alec lightwood and i have a good face to slap.  
“Say hey if youre gay”  
My mum is thretening me t come out so i do it  
“Hey”  
My mum leaves and so does hte clave. Idk what just happened but k.


	2. emotional

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah bopy

CHAPTER 2

“Magnus you should go”  
“Ye”  
He leaves and i go to the b room. I find lots of dank emmes hidden by magnus. Hes a fujny fucker.   
For the resf of the day i scream and cry bc my mother is too scary tp see. Izzy knocks on my broken dorr and walks in.  
“Fuck off you cunt head bitch”  
“Alec it wasnt me. I think that chairman meow told magnus to tell your mum”  
“Thats bs”  
Izzy sla[s me and goes dont fuck with me. Shes doing whats best for me i know. Yeah boi hit me up with that kugelgugel.   
Izzy gets mad at me for hitting her so she pucnhes me until i go into a concusion. FUck.Last thing i see is darkness. IS this mate dead??? Is the end here??/  
Whenm i wake up i see magnus bangnus over me doing some magic shit. I look around and see everyone in the insitutue clapping.   
“Oi MBSYB what u do to me”  
“I saved ur ass.”  
Wowopwpw thats the first time hes ever done that. Most other times he hurts my butthole but i mean this expection is ok i guess.  
“Im a bit trigger bangus bc i actually want death wow you dont even respect my wishes wtf i dont love you”  
MBSYB look so sad and I feel a bit bad but that’s what happens when yu fuck with me feelings.  
“I will respect your wishes alexander, but I wont kill you lets just have a funaral”  
“Sounddsss ncie:  
Everyone gpes to wear black and I decide how I want my funeral to be. I want their to be MBSYB doing an irsh jug and I was everyone to be really drunk bc that’s cool, even the little kiddies. We deciee to have it in izzys bedroom, bc that’s where I was born.   
In an hour everyone is ettles and redy fro the serromu to start. I am wearing a vostimer that looks like satan bc when I die im gonna go to hell. I walk down and everyone smiles. No one likes me lmao. Everyones glAd I “died”. When I get to the front of the room I lay in a box of cereal. It sm,y fav of corn flakes, bc im the boringest and most depressing person ever.  
MBSYB goes to the front and crues. Sicne eerone is drunk no one gives a sh9t. but I do bc I love him maybe idk tbh lmao. I get up from the cersal and go give him and hug, he starst crying on my shoulde ran d I conside death bc my satan costue was $69000 dollars and his gross ass tears are getting on it.  
“Alec you cant be b=doing this, wanrting to die, people care”  
“cool.”  
Magnus gets angry but the kisses me. When we finish kissing we look around and see  
that no one is there. We rnt in izszy bedroom anyrme either. We are the vampire lace.  
Fml im gonna see simon. Hes the most annoying fucking rat kms.  
“aleeeeecccccc my dad!” simon screams when he comes aroeunf the corner.  
“Shut ur dumb asssssssss up simon youre so fucking anooying you should just doe.”  
“bruh imdead im a vamp lmao”  
Simon a sarcastic litlle fucktard. I hate him.  
“We need help”  
Wtf is MBSYB doing??????? Simonw is shitttt he wont do anytnign eto help us.   
“Simon says he will help if alec finds his dead grandma”  
First why the fuck is simon talking abotu himself like hes in third person lamo i didnt listen in english but i k ow a normal person froma dumbas.  
Iu trun to magnus bangus. He looks at me wiht a threathening look. I love him too much even tho i said he suckew dlike 2 mins ago.   
“Ill do it bitch where your grandma at/????? Which grave????’  
Sm on gives me a fucked olok.   
“Grave lmao whats that? My grndmas in the eats river i think lmao she was like stabbed by shaodhiwnter.”  
“Bitch what you saying??? You werent even part of the shadow world until clary came along os dont lie. Also how da fuc do i find the bodh in that huge rive.  
Magnus looks at me and whirls us away with simon tp the river. I see wate ad cry. Water scary.  
‘Sinmo i dont wnanananan.’  
“You can do it boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy”  
I look a t magnsus bagnus, mayebe he can help me. All my heoe is gone and idk how to live with in water,  
“Magnususususuu belives in ytu M8”  
My boyfriedn loves me me maybe lmao is he even my boyfrined idk tbj.  
“K thne anythign4 u MBSYMBBBB”  
Its time. I need tp do this to get help for magnus bagnus and i.  
I jump iff the vridge. i thought i saw spiderman but nope it was just ome bird shit lsanding on me. Thats new york fo hit something. I thought it was water but wtf its a boat. The people scream and kick me off  
“Yo hoe fuk off y u on oru baot you brichhchchhc.?  
‘Brich teee like menecraft.  
They slap me and i fall off the boat. Its like the titanci. Whay a fun time.  
“Rose rose o tf im gay what am i saying bitch”  
Im spalsing in the water bc it be really cold im gonna die. MBsyb shouts from the bridge asking if im g  
“no boy im not g”  
Mag bagstarts to scream and punch simon bc hes the dickbag that made me jump i here. simons laughing and say what did you even need my help with you magnus bagnus.  
i see magnus think buthe doesnt know, im in thsi fucking river looking for a dead bidy and thers not rason. fFUCK MY LIFE. simon shis away bc hes a vampire and can walknreally fast. now magnus is up there along looking at me and im like lokey drowning.  
magnus bagnus sees me and im looking for a pievce of boat to jump on like rose ans jhack. i cant vbreate and im trying to say slivr.  
'aleces are you dronw"  
"tes" i then go back under. my shoes are like 750g so therefore they are 20kg in rotal. they keep pulling me down to the bottom of the river. i think o saw simons dead grandma or something but like lol i hate simon so he can go fucking swim to his deadgrandma s. jurassic shark jumps out and o scream.  
sudeen ly im beinglifted up by magnus and his madgical powers. im in the air adnd he be on the bridge.  
"mag bag, you saved me life"  
"thats right btich bc i loev you"  
"lets have sex"   
"cool"  
wefuck eahcother on the bridge. theres lots of people so magnus is really triggred by teeth. hes the bets freidnd ever. ooooo i just put myself in the friendshzon.  
magnus bagnaus has a cool anus and today that nayus saved my ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if yopu cried ahahaha


	3. adelaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a lot of shit happens jk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY BITCHES MERRY CHRISTMAS HERES YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM ME TO ALL OF YOU MBSYB FANS; CHAPTER 3 OF FANFUC. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY <3
> 
> now lets go boysssss

CHAPTER 3

Afyer MBSYb saved me from leitealy dieng, we went bakc to the instue bc i was still wet from the river, even tho we did soem intens eshit on the bridge, mmmmm. Honestlh im surprise we didnt get arrested bc liek what the fuck.  
"Magnuggets, im cold."  
"ice ice baby!!!"  
Mganus bagnus is hineslty still a bit of a cunt like?????? ice ice baby???? i nearly died ffs take this seriously. Im joking he didnt say that lmaooooo  
Magnus went and go me a big jacket.  
"This is a straight jacket, it will make you straight in front of bitch maryse."  
"ya mean a straitjacket??? wtf you motherfucker im not oging into an asylum! This is shadowhunters not american horror story!!"  
Hell yeah i just broke the 4th wall.  
I put it on a its literally jsuta typical jakct that straight dudes wear??? In fact, i think this uus jace's jacket, woee. Honeslty tho that just breaks my heart bc MBSYB is pretty good but like jace, yum. Im still a lil gay  
I like to keep a list of resons why I am gay for manus jace  
REASONS WHY ID SHOVE MY DICK IN JACES ASS:  
\- pretty edgy hair  
\- is single (maybs not at any more, fuck you ranga clary)  
\- hair is nice  
\- no dad so I can be his dADDY  
\- JK that was mean  
\- parabAEtai  
\- hair is lots  
So yeah my lisr isn’t like that long (shorter than my dick so yeah). I shoce tge list back in my underwear and look at maggnugggs.  
“ALEXANDER1!!1!! what was that?”  
“recipt from my bunnings snag”  
“that sexy”  
MBSYb latches onto me like a leac. He beigns to lick my leg and I moan bc not gonna lie that's hot. Idk if we should fuck in the institute bc ngl im scared of bitchy mother.  
“magnus bagnus. “  
“yes alexander the 4th prince of this booty”  
“IM THE 4TH ALEXANDER??? Anyway lmso yeah lets not do this now or maryse might shit her pants”  
“kinky”  
fuck im amd at him now. This fucker is trying to make joke when I migh die? Well whn I die bc of my stupid bitch mum lets see who wants to fuck. Neither of us. Ill be dead and magnus bagnus will be at my REAL funeral  
“alecccUNtcccc, I didn't mesn to upset you. I have a surprise.”  
I frown but he takes my hand as he makws a portal. We go through and end up at central park. Magnus gets down on one knne. Ph no. im a young boy. With a medium sized dick. Who dosnt even know how to make toast. And is a jace virgin. I stoll order a fuckimg happy meal at mcdonalds, and ask for a toy? Best toy I ever got was thin speaker. Played like 30 seconds of a veronicas song and it was LIT AF. Like I thre my iopd out a window when I got it, I didn tneed that shit no more. My mum hit me really hard tho and said I was a fooking idiot. But that was a lit song. HOOOOOOOOOOK HOOK ME UP  
BUT FUCK back yo the point? Magnus bagnus is gonn propose. Weve only fucked like twice.  
“alexander long dick lightwood,”  
well at least he got my middle nae right ayeee  
“I have oved you for like idk maybe 69 months, 420 minutes and 666 seconds. Evry time we toch I get this feeling. Every time we touch I swea I can fly. JOKING that's copyrite maybs. Naywy, what I wanted to say was..”  
Fuck im gonna shit my pants. Im gonna say no. He gets down on on knew and I think a little bit of shit comes out of my ass hole.  
“Magnhs pleas don't—“  
“do ya wanna come to Adelaide with me?”  
WHAT.  
THE.  
Fuck.  
MBSBy is a misleadin lil shit. ADELAID? I thought he was literally gonna mary me then. Scarysruff. I mean at least I don't have to deal with thwt bullshit now.  
“Yeah boy lets get laid in Adelaide.”  
Magnus bagnus smiles widley and gives me a peck on the lips lick a lil chicken. Im not into chcikens tbh like that's a wird kink no offense, But im mean mbsyb has a dentist kink so?  
“we leave in the morning and will be gone for one week, I aint rich you know.”  
“BULLSHIT! You like 200 years old and are some high up warlck or osme shit you probs got millions of bucks plus I thik you sell weed”  
“no drugs.”  
“k”  
I walk away fromhwm bc I need go home and pack. Im lowkey annoyed bc now I gotta get back to the insiituutute from centre park. I wa;lk though the trees and find lyda hanging from a tree. Oops that was misleading. I mean like hanign like a moneky not from a rope. Lydia is my idiol and I woul never let her die.  
“hey lids”  
“alec.”  
She falls from the tree onto the ground.following her is a whole shitload of leaves. I clap bc honesltu Lydia could fucking kill me and id still idolize her. Shes so fucking random like lol why is she even here and in think that's great.  
“you got anything to report to the clave that's actually wortby unlike last time you dumbass.”  
“im going to Adelaide with mbsyb”  
“that's an unworthy matter, get fucked lightwood.”  
She runs awakwd and does a few back flips. I keep walking home, it takes me like 5 hours but I finally get home at 8:54pm. Just 276 minutes before my bed time. Timmy trumoet time is in 7 minutes tho shit.  
Bithc maryse comes around the corneransd asks me where I was @. I tell her im ging to adelaid and she says “cool”. I go and find izzy bc I need to make sure she wont miss me  
“izyy im gona adeliad.”  
“I will miss you.”  
“you cant.”  
“I wont miss you.”  
“ok”  
what a bithc of sister, im gone for a week and she wont even miss me. I gnore her bitchy behavior and go to my room. And start aking my bag for my rip. I never been on a holiday with magnus so idk hat to do. I get 3 socks, a quarter of a t shirt, 8 pants and 9 shoes. I think that should dp. I also pack my framed phot of jace bc if I don't see his face for 3 days I will die auto.  
by 1;32am, my exact bed time, ive got a half emoty suitcase and a shit load of memes ready for he plane. Ooo maybe we are walking there. Idk tbh magnus bagnus never avualy told me.  
It is time for me t sleep tho bc magnus will be here soon and we will be going on the biggest trip of our lives. Wowee!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I'm not sure if there's an official way to do this but this chapter is dedicated to the user girlprince :) Thank you for your wonderful nickname for magnus bagnus that is featured in this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> thththhthans for reading


End file.
